Can't


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I'm in a time of transition. There's a lot I can't really tell you yet, but I want to share some of what's been going on for me in this time. Something keeps coming up for me as I process my wants and desires for my future, and that's the word "can't". As in "I cant't do this. I can't understand that. I'm not able to do that. I'm not enough for this." I'm really struggling to understand where this comes from.

I've always prided myself on being a little fearless. I moved to Paris two days after college graduation knowing two people there and had a hostel room booked for 10 days. Did I cry every day for a month? Yeah, but I still did it. I started a career in the film industry knowing nothing about it. And eventually I thrived there. I moved to New York within a month of getting a job offer. Can't has never seemed to have a place in my vocabulary, and yet this year it has dominated my thinking. I can't stay up late or my thyroid will hate me. I can't eat that pizza. I can't learn the science of herbalism. I can't do [insert a host of things here]. What is it about experiencing weakness in my body that has wounded my confidence so much? 

I struggle with this more because this year I've kind of lost myself. Or at least lost the person I thought I was. This weekend I listed all my favorite fashion books for sale. The books I begged my mom for, spent so much money on, and thought I would have forever. Getting rid of them feels like I'm getting rid of the old self just a bit more. And it is painful. I don't really know what I want anymore. I have vague ideas but no solid trajectory. Nothing really to stand firm on. And I'm terrified. Who am I without my love of fashion? What do I love? What do I like? I'm grieving in so many ways. There's a lot I want to know about my future and about myself. I guess this post doesn't really have an end except to say I'm trusting in this process and trying to have patience with it and myself through it all. If you're finding the process a little tough to get through, know you are not alone. Be patient. I know all will be revealed in due time. 

Ladybugs + Processing Emotions


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I heard that ladybugs come at moments when we need them. I chanced upon this one on one of my favorite herbs, red clover, and was waiting to find out what it could speak to in my life. Apparently, ladybugs caution us to not rush into striving to fulfill our dreams, but to enjoy life as it unfolds. Funny how those things happen sometimes...

Things have been really hard lately. I can't remember the last day that I haven't at least teared up once or full-on cried. I had my first therapy session this past week. The first thing the therapist said when I sat down was "This was a big step." And she's right. It was a big step. It was admitting that I can't process all the thoughts in my head. That I need someone to help me make sense of what I'm feeling. My emotions are so surface-level that I can cry at a moment's notice. It hurts, y'all. The grief. The anger underneath the grief. The lack of trust in the unfolding of my future. The need to hold on so tightly and have it all together. I just wanted to write this short note to remind you (and me) that you are not alone. If you are hurting, if you are broken, there is always someone experiencing the same thing as you. Thank God we were not put on islands all by ourselves. This is also a reminder that sometimes the best thing you can do for others is to take care of yourself first. It's just like they say on airplanes about oxygen masks. Sometimes you need fall apart to be built back up, but reach out. Ask for help. Feeling emotionally unwell sucks (trust me), but the good news is we don't have to be there for long. I'm so thankful for the family and friends I have around me who have been patient in this time and respond when I reach out.