Can't


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I'm in a time of transition. There's a lot I can't really tell you yet, but I want to share some of what's been going on for me in this time. Something keeps coming up for me as I process my wants and desires for my future, and that's the word "can't". As in "I cant't do this. I can't understand that. I'm not able to do that. I'm not enough for this." I'm really struggling to understand where this comes from.

I've always prided myself on being a little fearless. I moved to Paris two days after college graduation knowing two people there and had a hostel room booked for 10 days. Did I cry every day for a month? Yeah, but I still did it. I started a career in the film industry knowing nothing about it. And eventually I thrived there. I moved to New York within a month of getting a job offer. Can't has never seemed to have a place in my vocabulary, and yet this year it has dominated my thinking. I can't stay up late or my thyroid will hate me. I can't eat that pizza. I can't learn the science of herbalism. I can't do [insert a host of things here]. What is it about experiencing weakness in my body that has wounded my confidence so much? 

I struggle with this more because this year I've kind of lost myself. Or at least lost the person I thought I was. This weekend I listed all my favorite fashion books for sale. The books I begged my mom for, spent so much money on, and thought I would have forever. Getting rid of them feels like I'm getting rid of the old self just a bit more. And it is painful. I don't really know what I want anymore. I have vague ideas but no solid trajectory. Nothing really to stand firm on. And I'm terrified. Who am I without my love of fashion? What do I love? What do I like? I'm grieving in so many ways. There's a lot I want to know about my future and about myself. I guess this post doesn't really have an end except to say I'm trusting in this process and trying to have patience with it and myself through it all. If you're finding the process a little tough to get through, know you are not alone. Be patient. I know all will be revealed in due time.